Encouragement or admonishment?

I have a friend, whome I love dearly, who has a gift for delivering a reproof in a very loving, patient, and graceful way. There is just one problem. She begins her sentence with, “I just want to encourage you with. . .” What is the problem with this? The problem is that it is not, in fact, a word of encouragement, but rather a word of admonition. What follows is the “bear in mind that we are called to. . .” and “scripture tells us that we are to. . .” part of the conversation. Now, as I said, she does this with the greatest amount of love and respect, but were I not a sister in Christ who is accustomed to and comfortable with taking “constructive criticism,” I would probably be really put off and consider it a pious bait and switch.

Encouragement is a spiritual gift, and we are called as believers to lovingly admonish one another and hold each other accountable, but they are not the same thing. Encouragement is to uplift the soul, to turn around a negative attitude, to build up in love, to leave a person feeling better after an encounter with you. Encouragement is always positive in nature.

Admonition is the act of holding someone accountable for an action, attitude, or misheld belief. The purpose is to bring about change in behavior or attitude that is ungodly. Often, we come away discouraged for a time, either out of internal conviction that must be meditated on and prayed about or out of anger and resentment regarding what was said or how it was presented, and may or may not result in positive change. It is often a relational Catch 22 and can be as destructive as it can be helpful, like fire.

They are not the same thing.

However, the most effective admonishment is always wrapped and delivered in encouraging words. They are the silver lining of godly rebuke. The only way to truly build a brother or sister’s faith in love is to encourage them within the hard truths you have to deliver. This is a delicate matter and a spiritual gift many think they have and few actually have. My friend really does have this rare gift. She is a wonderful encouragement to me when it comes to perseverance and grace, and a true friend in that she will hold me accountable when it comes to being a godly wife and patient mother, and she always reminds me of the things she loves in me during the conversation. It is sometimes difficult, however, to listen when I am thinking, “Ecouragement? Yeah. That was encouraging. You just said I need to. . .and I’m not. . .and instead I should consider. . .”

If I have a hard time hearing what I know is meant for good and delivered in love because of the way I am approached, if it is a stumbling block for someone truly devoted to serving God with her whole heart and soul, then what must this feel like to someone unaccustomed to having their weaknesses addressed directly? To someone who generally refuses to be held accountable for anything, or to someone who doesn’t care what scripture has to say? Is that going to draw them to Christ? Is it going to build up the body of Christ or turn yet another soul away in disgust because “I thought she was going to try to make me feel better and instead she just ripped me to shreds.”

My friend is a person who genuinely cares about people of all kinds, and has been around the block enough that there is little she finds truly shocking in this world (aside from the personal “I can’t imagine” factor we all feel at times), but I fear that some may miss her message delivered in love because they are looking for piety and hypocrisy before a word even comes out.

In this day and age, the world is not accustomed to Christians speaking their mind at all, let alone in love touched by the Spirit of the Most High God. We must take care not to unintentionally tear down the Kingdom with our own hands.