“The art of the Tease”–What?!?

I have “Psychology Today” articles on my google homepage. Today, there was one that I found intriguing and ridiculous all rolled into one. It is called “The Art of the Tease.” The first thing she points out is how fun teasing someone can be. And it can be. But how often do you enjoy BEING teased? Now, being both a teaser and a teas-ee, I can say that the author raises some valid points about teasing and how to do it without being particularly hurtful, but come on. Psychologists know how much damage teasing can inflict on just about anyone. Do we really need a lesson on how to do it semi-nicely?

In all fairness, there is truth in that teasing does at times reflect intimacy, such as teasing a mate about the endearing way they tumble over their words or look a certain way when they are thinking, etc. There are some people that we can tease and it is known on both sides that it is mere humor borne out of love. But we can also, and more easily I would suggest, decimate what intimacy we have with a person by teasing. Take teasing your children. I cannot count the number of times my husband or I have said something teasingly to our daughter that she took extremely personally and was temporarily crushed. Had I not been aware of her extremely sensitive nature, proper apologies might not have come afterward. Besides, humor and sarcasm are learned behaviors, not innate.

We should never expect kids to “get it.” The kids who tease learned it from watching someone else tease or by being teased themselves. Some kids never understand teasing because the only experience they have with it is negative. But I digress.

The article talked about this phenomenon of negative reaction, too. “In a recent study, he asked roommates and other acquaintances to tease each other, and found that those who were teased almost invariably felt more antagonized than the teasers intended. The recipient of the razz felt ridiculed rather than gently prodded.” Ya think? So the next thing to do, according to the article, is to adopt a set of guidelines for acceptable teasing so that it won’t be so easily misconstrued. What?!?

“Choose your subject carefully. Being ribbed about something silly you did or said is much easier to take than being kidded about a basic trait like weight or appearance. Harass your friend for bragging, for mispronouncing words or for being unable to parallel park—not about his big nose or her hefty legs.”

While it is true that we react more quickly and negatively to physical traits that we cannot change, how is making fun of someone’s “mispronouncing words” likely to get a better reaction? I suppose if it’s a one-time flub it’s funny, but if it’s their stammering or struggling with language in general it’s mean? What if the person you are harassing is not your friend? Therein lies the rub.

“Tease up or across your social world, not down. Because teasing playfully punctures another person’s sense of self, it is more wounding when directed at someone of lower status.”

So, who determines status? And does that mean you can tease your boss but not the mail room clerk? I suppose if you don’t care about being fired. . .and don’t tease the homeless guy, but decimate Donald Trump. Yeah. Because the drunk guy in the gutter will throw his life away over your quip. And Trump would never fire a guy over insulting him. Good logic, don’t you agree? (Oh, sorry, was I teasing the author? Perhaps my quips will “create intimacy almost out of thin air!”)

“Beware the Gentler Sex. In the context of romance, women are more likely to feel insulted by teasing than are men, perhaps because guys are used to it: Young boys often express friendship through taunting and banter.

I find this observation both funny and, well, inaccurate. Yes, women are more likely to feel insulted. They are also more often guilty of gutting each other with words. And let’s throw romance in the mix. “Honey, I love your back fat. No, really. . .” Hmmm. . .back to the physical attributes issue. How about, “Honey, the look on your face when you try to be sexy is so amusing. . .” That’s so much better, don’t you think? And I don’t think men are “used to it,” or we wouldn’t have men who feel they will never be anything but ___ because of teasing they endured at the hands of “so and so” when they were growing up, or teenagers pelting bullets across rooms full of people at school.

“Exaggerate the tease. Go for absurdity, not subtlety. Exaggerating your body language and your words clarifies that you’re just joking and makes it less likely that your intent will be misread.”

Now, this I generally agree with. Absurdity is my friend. But here again, I would argue that the status of the relationship determines the reaction of the teas-ee, not how the teasing is done. If you are teasing someone whom you hold in desregard, or they you, the more absurd you appear, the more vehement the negative reaction.

I am disappointed that an industry that has in its hands such responsibility, in regard to the fragility of the human spirit, would focus on the method rather than the dynamic of the relationships involved. Shame on them.

I am observing more and more that just because someone has a framed piece of paper on their wall stating that they were officially trained in their field does not mean that they are good at what they do, or that they are ethical in how they practice their duties. Some people look at things in terms of pass/fail, while I suppose I tend to prefer striving for excellence. More and more, I see why God changed the circumstances of my life in order to teach me His ways of touching lives. Otherwise, I might have learned too late something I have always known: that the world’s ways of helping fall short of His glory, and apart from His wisdom, in the end lead only to destruction.

What a shame this author merely passed her classes. . .