God’s timing and my interference.

Have you ever gotten so excited about something you see God doing that when you joined in the party you tried to take it over? This happened to me this weekend, and it’s one of those things I’m realizing I do all too often. Someone I have been praying for a lot over the summer, but hadn’t heard from, called to tell me about some amazing things God has been doing in her life, and asked if a particular offer I had made her months ago was still on the table. I said, “of course” and set about keeping to my promise. Then she asked me to help her with something else, and I did. And then when she began to get discouraged about the slow progress she was making, I tried to encourage her not to give in to despair.

And then I set about speeding things up and finding a way to make SURE her situation improved. All of a sudden, I was giving much more time and energy to “helping” her than asked for, necessary, and in the way I thought was best, not just following God’s lead. After getting frustrated when the solutions I found for her were not to her liking, I thought “beggars can’t be choosers–do you want a better life or not?”

And then I got so anxious with worry over her not heeding my advice that I screamed like a banshee at nearly everyone in my family over some stupid housework that didn’t vanish in the blink of an eye. (By the way, they were actually working on it.) Then came the tears and the “I’m so sorry”’s and the recognition of why I was really in knots. I remember saying to my husband, “It must be nice and peaceful not to care about other people. Why do I hurt so much for other people?” And I do, but there was more to it.

Deep down, I was angry with her for not agreeing with me and thanking me for all the time I spent researching options for her, making calls for her, finding an out for her. I was worried that my solution was the only one available and that if she didn’t choose to take it she would stay where she is in her life–a very bad place. I truly was concerned for the safety of her and her children, the pain and anguish she will surely have to endure, as well as her kids, if things don’t change, but I forgot something. . .this is God’s triumph, His plan, not mine.

When she was MIA in my life, I had to entrust her to God and was powerless to do anything or know anything until the appointed time. When she resurfaced and I was able to tangibly help, I overstepped myGod-given boundary and pushed my plan instead of His. I lost MY faith in His ability to handle the situation. I doubted His ability to make this happen without me. I forgot that He was the one that started a ball rolling and gaining speed so fast that she had to call me and tell me and find out if my offer still stood because she needed it NOW! God did all that, not me.

I haven’t gotten a chance to apologize yet, or to tell her what I’ve learned since then that makes my whole plan irrelevant anyway, but I know that yesterday she wasn’t sleeping like she was the other times I called. She was up and doing something. I don’t know what, but something is better than hopelessness. Something is significant. Something means God is working around my interference. I know Him well enough by now to be assured of that!

Now, I can only hope and pray for the opportunity to talk with her just one more time before she’s gone. But I have a feeling that she knows me well enough to know that I am well aware of my humanity and need for forgiveness. And even if we part on somewhat tense terms, I’ll hear from her at some point. And then it will only be to tell me all the wonders God has done in her life. I know it will happen again someday, because I got to make good on my promise, and she promised me she would keep in touch.

And God knows my heart better than I do, and loves me more than I deserve. And God knows how much faith it takes to believe in the ability of this woman to reshape her life to be the woman He intended her to be. And God knows I am one of few, but not the only one to have that faith in her. . .No, in God’s ability to heal her and change her circumstances. And God knows her heart, and “hope never disappoints. . .”

Today

Today I had the privilege of interacting with a group of older women in a bible study setting. It has been more than three years since I have been in the midst of mentorship that way. At the church we attend here, the ladies are wonderful, and I feel a part of them in a sense, but there really is not a gathering time for us. There is no “ladies study,” which is odd because the women serving are, as in many places, the backbone of the church happenings. So I decided to sign up for a morning gathering at a church nearby, though not my “home church.” I don’t know about Sunday services, but as for the fellowship and friendship I have been missing in my everyday existence, I am home. Already, I can see some of what God has in store for us to bring to each other, and I am excited. Today I allowed myself to be happy just listening.
Today my husband is working from home on a sample project for a company he may be joining soon. It is quiet, as our two youngest are napping and the elders are at school, so he can see that it IS POSSIBLE to work from home. Once he moves his “office” into one of the lodge rooms, it’ll be even easier. We can do this–be in the house together 24/7 again. It will be different this time. Today we can see that.

Today my dear friend is searching for answers about some things that happened in her childhood. The deeper she digs, the more lies unfold, the deeper the hurt cuts, and the fuller her anger over what can be done to a child in the name of religion. As she combs through articles trying to find out if the murder she witnessed so long ago is solved or not, as she questions whether the woman who raised her is really her mother at all, she remembers a woman with long hair that she felt safe with. Once upon a time, whether this was her mother or not, she was loved. Today as she searches for truth, she can only keep going by hanging on to that sliver of silver. And because of it, she can no longer brush the past aside. Today truth is more important than survival.

Today I have so much to say about God’s faithfulness to me it will pour out of every crevice. If you are here to watch my dark clouds billow and crash, you are in the wrong place. The sun beam poked through and the clouds are dispersing. I had a long week last week, and the weekend provided no release. No time to do more than reflect and to pray and go on with my day. But today, though the weather is droll at best, the sun is shining because I am loved.

Today I remember as I look at lives I have touched in some small, yet meaningful way, that God loves me past my impurities. Even as I am in the refining fire, black embers swirling within the ore of my being, the metal begins to shine through and someone sees His art coming to fruition. Only the artist can see the man in a chunk of rock, (i.e. David in the marble) but many can see and appreciate the craftsmanship involved in the process and the artistry that results. Today I know that I am more than a lump of coal. Today I am one day closer to being a diamond in His crown. Today I am free.

Language–ugh!

Okay, so as I reread my post about encouragement, I suddenly have this sentence pop into my head:  “I would like to encourage you to head in a new direction with that.”  Grrr.  Okay, so to encourage can also mean “to petition” or “earnestly request.”  The word can be used two ways.  But I think the context is the key here.  As a conversation begins to smolder in the midst of rebuke, words must be chosen carefully.  If I am biting my lip to keep from defending myself until the other person is finished, it is hard to know which is the case–is she encouraging me to consider _____ or is she trying to put a face of encouragement on a rebuke?

My guess is that her intent is to encourage me to consider her words, but that when she says it, “I just want to encourage you with. . .” it comes across as the latter.  Perhaps that says more about the attitude I have and the feelings that rise up within me during any kind of rebuke, loving or otherwise, than it does about her choice of words.

Growing up in a home where the only way to be heard was to blast your horn louder than the other guy (and ALWAYS have the last word), my first reaction is in self-defense, because who else is there to defend me?

But it’s just as hard for me to take a compliment.  If someone compliments my dress at church, I feel the need to explain that I found it for $20 on clearance.  Surely I have no right to be seen in a $140 dollar dress!  Surely I should not let a compliment slip into pride over finally fitting into the dress.  Because beauty is on the inside. . .Sometimes it’s not about anything but the dress itself.  Someone once said, “Leslie, just shut up and take the compliment.  Just say thank you.  It’s okay.”

I guess I could say the same about a word of encouragement, eh?

Here it comes–the moment of (gulp) truth.

I finally did it. I put my blog somewhere it might be seen. And clicked on. . .and read.

Breath.

I reread the only post I have written and left, aside from my initial post, and cringe. I just left an. . .encouragement?. . .on thinklings.

The little Baptist church has a tag on their sign right now that says “Keep your words sweet–you might have to eat them.”

I hope that I have, though I am quite accustomed to being force-fed over the years. I tend to pour forth from my mouth in the moment, and sometimes I succeed in nothing more than confusion.

Welcome to my blog, and please, give me some feedback–no matter what it is.   Feeds are good.
I generally post over naptime and in the wee hours of the morning, so I may see you later. . .like, Letterman later. Or not.

Encouragement or admonishment?

I have a friend, whome I love dearly, who has a gift for delivering a reproof in a very loving, patient, and graceful way. There is just one problem. She begins her sentence with, “I just want to encourage you with. . .” What is the problem with this? The problem is that it is not, in fact, a word of encouragement, but rather a word of admonition. What follows is the “bear in mind that we are called to. . .” and “scripture tells us that we are to. . .” part of the conversation. Now, as I said, she does this with the greatest amount of love and respect, but were I not a sister in Christ who is accustomed to and comfortable with taking “constructive criticism,” I would probably be really put off and consider it a pious bait and switch.

Encouragement is a spiritual gift, and we are called as believers to lovingly admonish one another and hold each other accountable, but they are not the same thing. Encouragement is to uplift the soul, to turn around a negative attitude, to build up in love, to leave a person feeling better after an encounter with you. Encouragement is always positive in nature.

Admonition is the act of holding someone accountable for an action, attitude, or misheld belief. The purpose is to bring about change in behavior or attitude that is ungodly. Often, we come away discouraged for a time, either out of internal conviction that must be meditated on and prayed about or out of anger and resentment regarding what was said or how it was presented, and may or may not result in positive change. It is often a relational Catch 22 and can be as destructive as it can be helpful, like fire.

They are not the same thing.

However, the most effective admonishment is always wrapped and delivered in encouraging words. They are the silver lining of godly rebuke. The only way to truly build a brother or sister’s faith in love is to encourage them within the hard truths you have to deliver. This is a delicate matter and a spiritual gift many think they have and few actually have. My friend really does have this rare gift. She is a wonderful encouragement to me when it comes to perseverance and grace, and a true friend in that she will hold me accountable when it comes to being a godly wife and patient mother, and she always reminds me of the things she loves in me during the conversation. It is sometimes difficult, however, to listen when I am thinking, “Ecouragement? Yeah. That was encouraging. You just said I need to. . .and I’m not. . .and instead I should consider. . .”

If I have a hard time hearing what I know is meant for good and delivered in love because of the way I am approached, if it is a stumbling block for someone truly devoted to serving God with her whole heart and soul, then what must this feel like to someone unaccustomed to having their weaknesses addressed directly? To someone who generally refuses to be held accountable for anything, or to someone who doesn’t care what scripture has to say? Is that going to draw them to Christ? Is it going to build up the body of Christ or turn yet another soul away in disgust because “I thought she was going to try to make me feel better and instead she just ripped me to shreds.”

My friend is a person who genuinely cares about people of all kinds, and has been around the block enough that there is little she finds truly shocking in this world (aside from the personal “I can’t imagine” factor we all feel at times), but I fear that some may miss her message delivered in love because they are looking for piety and hypocrisy before a word even comes out.

In this day and age, the world is not accustomed to Christians speaking their mind at all, let alone in love touched by the Spirit of the Most High God. We must take care not to unintentionally tear down the Kingdom with our own hands.